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"I like boys; I like girls.....no difference; is there?" Velvet Goldmine

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"I'm a loser, baby...so why don't you kill me...." Beck Jun. 9th, 2005 @ 01:20 pm


Well, yesterday did not go as good as anticipated. The ships didn't get in until late, so no sailors came in last night....they'll be in tonite probably. I did okay, but not great. I sat with alot of assholes, drunks, and perverts. (Yes, yes I know......but when I call someone a "pervert" in a strip club, there is a reason other than the Norm :P)

I don't know what happened, really...towards the end of the night I sat with this cute hispanic guy who was totally not single, and I suddenly had a pretty severe mood swing concerning lonliness (I had been doing so well!) where you suddenly realize everyone around you is happy and comfortable in their relationships and has someone to go home to and you will be going home to an empty bed once again. And of course, when you're upset in a club or public place where people know you, you are instantly surrounded by sympathetic good natured drunks who want to share their versions of "how they may not be single now but they understand what you're going through..." They mean well, but sometimes it only makes things worse. Word to the wise: never cry in the bathroom if your work if you really just want to be alone. Because you wont be, especially if that place happens to be a bar. It was embarassing, because unlike most crazy dysfunctional strippers, your truely does not cry in public places.....or much at all, really.

Then I came home bummed and my fox decided to be a bastard and dig all night until I was up to the wee hours of the morning.....his cage has since-forth been moved into the living room, where I think he will be better off for awhile. I'll still bring him in my room every day and play with him, but I now remember why in ATL his cage was always in the living room.....because he's a nocturnal little fucktard. I love him, but I hate sleeping in the same room with him. ;) Finally got like five hours of sleep, and am off to buy my TV/DVD player today in an attempt to make myself feel somewhat accomplished and momentarily distracted. Yay for consumerism as a emotional placebo! Yay for lots of petty distractions to divert yourself from...well, yourself. And I was doing so well. Blah.

Ignore me. I'm just having a moment of being a loser. I'll be fine. Really. Just fine.
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: Weird trippy cyber cafe stuff...

YES, I AM ALIVE!!!! Jun. 8th, 2005 @ 01:11 pm


Well, I have officially settled into my new space and am doing MUCH better. I have successfully "funk-shuied"
my room with coolness and made it my own and am quite happy there. No internet access to speak of yet, so that is why you haven't heard from me for a bit....gotta do the cyber cafe thingy again for awhile. Been doing alot of bin diving and sewing crazy Lisa-fied creations from the stuff I find there......got my bartending license, but won't be able to start for a month or two, as there are no openings at work right now *sighs*....learning day by day to be okay with being single and living for me for a change.....not drinking hardly at all, and don't really miss it....so as you can see, I am doing mcuh better in a new space with cool peeps who care about me and don't make me feel like some lesser amobea life form that crawled out from under a rock or something. Yayness.

Tonight the sailor boats for the Navy dock, and my work will be SLAMMED. Hopefully I will make alot of $$$$. I am sure I can put it to good usage....I want to start saving up some $$$ for a television/DVD player for my room, and maybe eventually a little used scooter that I can put-pit around PDX in and feel all special-nifty-joe. Laterz.

XOXOXOXOXO
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Current Music: Old fashioned lounge singing in Backspace

"That's right.........there's no more Stimutax!" ;) Jun. 1st, 2005 @ 12:25 pm
You Are Sparks
You are Sparks!


Which Sealab 2021 Character Are You?
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Moving day.... Jun. 1st, 2005 @ 12:09 pm


Well, the day has finally arrived. We are pretty much packed and ready to go...we can start moving our stuff over to the new place in like an hour......it wont take very long to get it all over there; prolly like 2-3 hours max. I will then set up my room before work and get everything squared away before I go and make some $$$ for extra necessities, my phone bill, contact lenses, etc....

I am sooooo excited to have MY OWN ROOM all to myself in a much nicer envoirnment...it will shwiggity shweet!!!!
*bounces excitedly* I am going to get a few furntiure pieces and some decorating stuff in the next couple weeks to get everythig fixed up and personalized just the way I want it to be. ;)
Current Mood: optimisticoptimistic
Current Music: Gorillaz--Feel Good Inc.

FUN AT NESSA AND AJA'S..... May. 30th, 2005 @ 09:18 pm


Well, the day started off with Dementia and ended with a wild evening of hallucinogenic wonder at my favroite MSI friend's house, Nessa, Sarah, and Aja. We dropped by my gai bois Johan and Eclipse's house and decided to stop by Nessa and Sarah's place since I had to work during Aja's b-day party the night before.....the house was strill covered in balloons and party favors.....we dropped and popped balloons and read drew on Nessa's legs and ran around like crazy people with bunny costumes and plastic sheep and read Lewis Carroll and had long inteliigent conversations until the wee hours of the morning and beyond...most of the day was spent lounging around and talking or watching movies and eating pizza and dozing. Made a new friend as well...Phil, the guy who lives in the basement. My first impression of him was not a positive one, but I set aside my judgement and got to know him and realized he's a really okay guy that I actually have aloty in common with and is just trying to deal with his own issues in his own ways....lord knows I can't blame anybody for that.

Well, I am off to laze around and read and doze, as tomorrow will be filled with cleaning, packing, laundry, and stuff from the store. Take care, all. ;)

XOXOXO
Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: David Bowie--Rock and Roll Suicide
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Last night sucked.....for a variety of reasons. I barely made like almost $100.00, which is terrible for a friday, I felt strange and tired and sort of depressed and din't put the effort into working that I should have, *shrugs* It happens. It was a weird night for most girls....slow.and full of frat boys and assholes and weirdos.....the last guy I danced for gave me this creepy "serial killer" vibe, so I went downstairs and hid until they called last call a couple of songs later. Then these annoying frat boys were for some reason allowed to stay and drink afterthe bar had closed (Which is SO illegal) and they were annoying and stupid and kept trying to talk to me after hours and say stupid things to me while I was on the phone with myh friend Dementia. I came home feeling like a broken bird.

My dreams were long and arduous also....it was this story about a scientist of some sort who was handicapped and had these strange abilities to alter reality that came from a hole in the ground in the front yard and his family....which consisted of a tomboy girl who was obsessed with football and had an afro and their tall enstranged teenage son and sort of airheaded mother. The story went on and on as the family fell farther in their own dysfuntions and chaos until finally the son came up with a brilliant plan involving maps, pewter figurines, adventures, theatrical re-enactments and other such strange things in order to bring his father "back" and make him realize that all of their problems were caused by his own subconsious. That HE had created all of these problems in his own mind due to being handicapped and the hole, which led to some other dimension, had made them real. Very strange. It seemed at the time like the perfect plot for a independant film or cartoon.

Today I must force myself to do some laundry and then maybe go and see Dememtia for a bit before i have to go to work and do all of this all over again....at least I am almost done with paying for first month's rent...NOW I just need eye doctor and phone bill money soon. *groans* Will it ever end? Of course not.
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Well, tonite was awesome. It started out hellaciously slow and ended great! George, my boss, let me train for a couple of hours as a bartender....I have to go in 2 hours early for the next couple of days to train and see if I can handle it before I start my dancing shift...if all goes well I may be a part-time bartender to start, and then work my way up to full time eventually, asI plan to quit dancing FOR GOOD by the time I'm 25 this Nov. I'm pretty stoked.

Tomorrw (Today technically) Dementia and I are going shopping with Dementia's sugar daddy.....he is going to buy us new piercings in exchange for teaching him how to shop.....should be fun, kiddies!

Latah....gotta get some Z Z Z Z's.
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Last night I spent the nite at my friend Nessa and Sarah's house.....we played in a gianormous pile of balloons we'd inflated and stuck weird objects inside balloons as we were inflating them and I experienced what it was like to be buried under tons of balloons. Then we got stoned and watched one of the cheesist horror films of all time. Much fun commenced.

On a less fun note, I don't want to break a heart, but I think I might have to......Max is inserting himself in my butt again and I just can't be what he wants me to be right now. He's a sweet boy, but not what I am looking for, and if this healing/rediscovery process is ever going to work, there can be no more lies. :(

Well, i am off to begin packing/cleaning sorting thru my room for the move and doing laundry before work. Lataz.
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Doing better today.....thank god for good friends. Dementia came into my work last night fucked up and carrying a toy machine gun and a stuffed kitten wearing a diamond collar which she playfully called her "pussy." All the strippers adored her and want to adopt her for their own, but I gleefully told them she is MINE! ;)

In other news, Max is being extremely sweet. He showed up to hang out with me in a three piece suit yesterday (He just came from court) and told me he is in love with me, and he doesn't care if we go out or do drugs or anything, he just wants to be around me. Talk about making a girl all gooshy. I feel bad that I can't see him or go out with him again right now, but I cannot write him off as a person....despite our differences and all, he is a very sweet and wonderful boy. He bought me $120.00 worth of black roses that died because I was avoiding him! *sniffle sniffle* He's like a little stoner Romeo.

Well, I am off to do tons of laundry and then hang out with Dementia and Max before work......well, they want me to ski pwork and I had a reallygood nite last nite...debating if I should go or not, as I'm pretty sure I can come up with 230.00 by Friday regardless. ;)

Anyways, we'll see. One day at a time, we'll see.
» MY CURRENT PERSONAL WOULD READ AS THUS.


Co-dependant self hating introverted female with extroverted demeanor constantly seeks non-appreciative self absorbed emotionally unavailable males to focus all her energy on. Flowery speeches about how "It's not you; it's me" a must. Please apply in person.

BELLE AND SEBASTIAN LYRICS
"BEAUTIFUL"

She lay in bed all night watching the colours change
She lay in bed all night watching the morning change
She lay in bed all night watching the morning change into green and gold

The doctor told her years ago that she was ill
The doctor told her years ago to take a pill
The doctor told her years ago that she'd go blind if she wasn't careful

They let Lisa go blind
The world was at her feet and she was looking down
They let Lisa go blind
And everyone she knew thought she was beautiful
Only slightly mental
Beautiful, only temperamental
Beautiful, only slightly mental
Beautiful

She thought it would be fun to try photography
She thought it would be fun to try pornography
She thought it would be fun to try most anything
She was tired of sleeping

They let Lisa go blind, let Lisa go blind, let Lisa go blind
They let Lisa go blind
She's looking like a queen
But if you knew what's going on in her life
There'd be a thousand barren mothers there to talk to her
If you knew what's going on in her life
There'd be two hundred troubled teenagers to sit with her
And talk to her
If you knew what's going on in her life
What's going on in her life
There would be a documentary on Radio 4

She made herself a pair of orthopaedic shoes
She thought it was the answer to the fashion blues
She thought it was the answer to the fashion blues
But she walked with a limp


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